Ok so…It seems out here is like a 24/7 spring break complete with bad pick up lines sans alcohol to make them bearable. I was at Salsa night the other night (Yes I can dance Salsa…latin(o’s, ah’s) of the world beware, the rednecks are infiltrating). My friend DS2 runs up to me in dismay and tells me SSG Stalker (again name is changed to better suit the individual) has shown up and stealthily points in his direction. I find this very amusing since when it comes to being discreet for ME she seems to be the Rain Man of discretion (you know you are you dirty little….:) ). If I want to tell her about someone and I don’t want her head to whip around like in the exorcist the conversation must go something like so:
Me: DS2, ok now don’t look ok? Hey look at me (put both of my hands on either side of her face)…I’m serious, I’m gonna tell you something, but you can’t look ok? Show me you understand the words coming out of my mouth…
DS2: (Insert happy go lucky nod here)
Me: no I mean it….you really have to wait, and NOT Turn around…
DS2: (Slightly more focused nod…I can see I’m getting through)
Me: alright so I’m about to tell you what I’m gonna tell you, and you are not….going….to…
DS2 “Look” (ok now I know I have her)
So then I can tell her. I made the colossal mistake more than once of forgetting the preemptive ritual and a stripper couldn’t have whipped around a pole faster than her bony little butt spun around. I mean I didn’t even get out what I was gonna say and she was already looking! So her creep-dar is off the charts as this guy seems to have attached himself to her. She tells me she’s thinking about telling him to uh…go away and just never talk to her again. That got me to thinking, how many of us poor women here are subjected to the overzealous ardor of inherently booty seeking males? I mean it can’t possibly be because we resemble women in any way shape or form. I know personally if I brush my hair and put on some oxy 10 on the zit on my butt it’s a good day for me. (Always change the underwear though, that’s playing with fire). Is it too much to ask to feel fat, miserable and raunchy without some hairy little troll thinking because of lack of alternatives you might suddenly develop an uncontrollable desire to make his day? So being a career clubber I have come up with some sure fire responses that will send them running…(adapted of course to the current setting). Here are some scenario’s:

Spanky: Wow you seem to be popular tonight, all the guys want to dance with you….
You: Yeah well the prozac I got from mental health has really helped my mood swings and facial tics
Spanky: So you got a man?
You: Why yes several, I keep them chained up in my basement “or” (even better)I used to be one does that count?
Spanky: (upon finding out your married/involved.) Oh well you can have friends right?
You: Oh yes, my psychiatrist will be so pleased
Spanky: Whats your name shorty?
You: Ralph….(no really I used this one, he hasn’t spoken to me since, in fact he all but runs screaming in the opposite direction, and I was just trying to be funny)

So what I told her to do since this guy was kind of a friend…Just go and stand by him and look constipated and toss your hair about in irritation. When he is prompted to inquire about it let loose on him. “I swear if one more loser tries to hit on me over here I’m gonna shove this 9mm up his butt and make him sing. I mean I’m so tired of guys thinking that just because I’m in Iraq….I mean what is it exactly that they DON”T understand about “I’m married? I am SO glad you aren’t like that, I mean it’s so great that we are not even REMOTELY attracted to one another, I mean not even the slightest bit, imagine how awkward that would be” I mean if he didn’t get the hint after all that then chances are he won’t just go away anyway and that’s when it’s time to call in the brute force (a big hairy friend, bout 250 pounds, or the actual husband would work if you have him available, maybe using his large shiny knife to cut the strings off his uniform).

Another shout out to my sisters in uniform who are eye candy for all the trolls out here in hopes of a better Iraq.