The Turdburgler

Alas tonight I cannot claim full credit for my literary snack. This is an email published by personnel in another section pertaining to the use of the BN Commanders toilet facility.

BN Personnel, It has been brought to my attention that someone in the BN TOC is utilizing the BN CDR's latrine to relieve themselves of solid human waste. No one wants to point fingers, and that is just the Army way. I know the BN CDR is tired of it, and the Executive Assistant is tired of cleaning up after whomever the culprit is. They has also been misuse of the trash receptacle in the BN CDR's latrine. There has been sightings of toilet paper with skid marks (reference beginning of email) in the trash.

* In short, feces does not mix with the current indoor sewage situation.

* All, please utilize the porta-jons in front of the building. Night shift - flash lights have been provided for your safety.

It's ashamed that this is what it has amounted to ... the BN CDR now has to place a padlock onto his latrine's entrance.

(ok back to me)
Sightings huh? Perhaps some alien life forms are trying to send us encrypted messages in the form of complex doo doo skid mark patterns on toilet tissue. I ‘m thinking of contacting the FBI with this theory, the executive assistant here might be on to something. Unidentified Fecee’d objects (UFO)’s are pretty common around post here, mere coincidence, or something more…you decide. Also what is “just the Army way” relieving oneself in the BN CDR’s latrine, or pointing fingers? Ok, if there was ever ANY doubt in anyone’s mind of just how little these f*u
kers have to do out here…If I were the BN CDR’s executive assistant (personal secretary) I would be more disturbed about why I am cleaning up a bathroom that no one is supposed to use BUT the BN CDR. I no longer feel ashamed to admit on numerous occasions when the bus came to a stop in front of the battalion doors 45 minutes early to the start of my shift I looked at the doors and told the driver “you know what, just keep going”. I mean I can ride the bus around once more and try to preserve some of my sanity or I can go inside and read emails like the above on the latest American Doo Doo Inquest. I suggest a rewrite of the above email:

“Listen up F*ckers, whoever is crapping in the BN CDR’s toilet and I’m not naming names cough nightshift cough, needs to cut it out. The BN secretary refuses to clean up any doo doo that doesn’t belong to her boss. Your cloggin the pipes, so use those smelly ass port o johns reserved for scum such as yourselves.”