Foiled again!

Ok so one time, at band camp, there was this hole and I like fell in it….I don’t know what it is lately, but I seem to have all the grace of a hippo on acid. I used to tell people that I could walk down the street and ahead of me there would be some perfect long legged lanky chick walking in stiletto’s hair blowing in the breeze like she was in a playboy shoot. I would be walking on the same street, same breeze, and my hair would be trying to strangle me and I’d be falling off my shoes. Falling off your shoes you ask? Yes I have discovered that it is very possible and altogether too frequent activity for me, falling off my shoes. It happens when one is wearing platform shoes with no anchoring straps on the heels to make sure your feet “stay the course”. The same way you can sort of fall of a curb when not paying attention, you can fall off your shoes which is far more embarrassing and slightly more painful considering the rest of your feet are still in the shoe confused as to what’s the hold up. Ok so the hole right? Well I had just finished another beautiful sandwich by yours truly, my sandwich man, and made my way out with my dinner companions off to do great and wonderful things for the military (maybe paint my nails or do some shopping at Forever21 online). The sad and completely inexcusable part of it all was I knew the hole was there. For some reason they are erecting (hehe…I said erect) a bunch of useless crap all over post here. I have already mentioned the speedbumps, but there are also bus stops (at locations no one ever stops at), gazeebo’s (in case you want to picnic out in the 5 zillion degree weather next to the stagnant mosquito breeding death lake) and fences as far as the eye can see. I mean we have to duel with the flies outside for control of the port o potties because they won’t fix the crappy piping systems here. Need a fence and by golly you got it, need to take a crap your sh*t out of luck (literally). I attribute the increase in fencing to too many men in the military. It’s that mentality “If you fence it, they won’t come”. Typical commanding male will seek to fence anything and everything he can whether or not he can use it matters not, he fences it in case one day he might use it. It’s like the modern more civilized way to pee on one’s tree. Anywho, so they are fencing around the DFAC now. I guess it’s a tad bit too much to expect for them to mark the 3 feet by 2 feet trap doors that now surround the DFAC, I mean that would make entirely too much sense. So I was walking, minding my own business when one of these holes jumped up and bit me. It was like when the coyote chases the road runner off the edge of a cliff and looks at you holds up a sign that says “help” and then you see the rest of his body plummet while his head give you one last “why me” look. So there I stood almost waist deep in this hole, which would have been fine except that I guess I had that damsel in distress thing going on and every sandwich guy in the DFAC rushed to my rescue, clamoring around as if extracting me from this hole was a mission on par with capturing osama bin laden. The called in the reserves and soon I had a bunch of little Pakistani men circling me looking very serious and shining flashlights. I was starting to wonder if they were gonna bring in a crane to hoist me out. The crowd began to grow and inevitably feeling like baby Jessica I got it over with and said “yes that’s right, look at the LT who fell in a hole, yep that’s me”. See my problem is I always get hurt just enough to SUCK, but never quite enough to be beneficial (such as getting out of work, or going back to the rear). I have never even broken a bone, although I did sprain my pinkie once…it was excruciating. I also got one stitch in my big toe….I gotta quit drinking milk.