Top Five Ways to Annoy your Hoochmate on deployment

This is for all of you out there who live with someone who aggravates the living crap out of you. These are some actual successful methods employed in the theatre of operations.

Turn the AC up to a nice nipple pointy sub zero degree temperature and put on 10 layers of clothing, or turn the heat on to an ass crack sweating temperature and sleep completely naked in full view.
Invite a “Special friend” over and whisper loudly “Don’t worry she doesn’t care”
Get one of those water machines that plays the sound of trickling water all night long. (Sure to make anyone with a weak bladder go nuts)
Set your alarm for 5am, and hit the snooze every five minutes until 630
Borrow a pair of electric hair clippers from a friend and right after lights out, turn it on low and let the faint buzzing sound bring her to her own conclusions.

Ok, so I got to work tonight and I thought I was gonna die I was so tired. I did come home to a sweaty little man screwing around with my air conditioner, but managed to fall asleep shortly after he and his odor had dissipated from my room. So there’s really no reason why I should have been so tired tonight, but the discreet drool on my desk session wasn’t cutting it. So then my 1030 showed up, this is my personal trainer a little man I like to call the Black Ninja. Now usually B.N. escorts me while I attempt to push my rapidly expanding chair ass (a phrase I must credit to my friend Spunky) around post in my attempt at PT. His main purpose has become to be my speed bump detection system. He runs ahead of me perches atop the bump in question and calls out “To reach your goal grasshopper you must rise above the obstacle”. Ok really he just calls out “speedbump” but our connections is spiritual, and me and my big fat behind have become enlightened pupils. I also bought weight lifting gloves, not to actually lift weights of course (because that would be entirely more effort than I wish to put forth), but as to preserve what remaining skin I have in case I munch it again or try to open 30,000 degree heated metal vehicle door. Ok focus blondie, I had a point. So anyway I was tired. So when B.N. showed up I was in no condition (too lazy) to exercise. So instead I gave into what I have been trying to avoid for over a month now, taking a nap. I went to dinner (to his trailer) and ate (drooled all over his pillow) for about an hour. I scurried to the DFAC and got food for the soldiers and made it back in an hour and a half. I always keep my dinners/workouts/Vietcong tunnel sleeping sessions down to an hour and a half. I don’t know why, there’s no regulation that says thou shalt dineth over a half and one hour, but I have found since becoming an officer you are baptized into this innate sense of what is acceptable and what is not, such as;

1. Sprawl out on the ground and sleep at the range after finishing firing your weapon: officer a-no-no. Walk around with your arms crossed wearing a constipated frown as you observe your surroundings: officer a-go-go.
2. Tell each commander at the Wednesday meeting “F*ck you, you and oh yes especially you!”: officer a-no-no. Telling each commander at the Wednesday meeting “Gentlemen, I’ll have to respectfully disagree with you”: Officer a-go-go.
3. Saying “No shit? What a little hooker!” to the latest barracks gossip your soldiers are dishing out too loud for you to ignore: officer a-no-no. “SPC Tellmemore, that’s hardly appropriate talk for the workplace”: officer a-go-go.

Of course some take to this baptism better than others. It’s not hard to be professional it just freaking sucks. Sometimes the only thing some people understand is that one special finger that says it all. Unfortunately many of the people I find I want to most use it on are those that can send me home as Ms. Blondie instead of LT Blondie. Ah well.