Ode to Lieutenants

Alright, now that I’ve advanced to the distinguished rank of Captain, I thought it was time to pay homage to my Lieutenant Roots and recognize some of those things Lieutenants do on the painful road to respect. Since it would be unfair (and not quite as much fun) to limit it to only my own experiences, I will include some of my unfortunate fellow Lieutenants in my Hall o’ Shame. I think all Lieutenant mistakes can basically fit into two categories; Self Inflicted and Ah shit. Self inflicted is when you know what you do could result in embarrassment, missing body parts, shaming the family, some sort of adverse action yet you can’t seem to stop yourself from rolling around in the mess happily despite yourself. Ah shits are those honest to goodness help me I’m an asshole moments that just kind of sneak up and take a bite out of your self respect and dignity. I have a decidedly obvious slant towards the self inflicted sort (basically reference ALL my previous posts), however I’m not above random acts of stupidity either. So we’ll begin boys and girls with the Ah Shits:

So you might be a Lieutenant if:
1. (Technically pre-commissioning but none the less deserving) You tell all your ROTC buddies that you are going to ask to be stationed in Fort Worth. Yeah, apparently just having the word “Fort” in its name does not actually mean it has anything to do with the military, let alone contain a base for one to be stationed at.

2. You realize that when they call your Chemical Suit “MOPP” that actually stands for Might Open when you have to Pee Pee (or might not….draw your own conclusions)

3. You show up to a Class A( a formal uniform) event after deciding that morning that you just didn’t feel like wearing your skirt only to remember after you arrive that the reason you didn’t wear the pants to begin with was because you were to lazy to have the piping that lines the bottom of the trousers that says hey I’m an officer not a private on….suddenly you hear someone singing “One of these things is NOT like the other one”

4. If you have ever had your two bottom teeth knocked out from forgetting to push the charging handle to your M16 all the way in before firing, or gave yourself a black eye (some of us more than once) by trying to put your nose to the non-existent charging handle on your 9mm.

5. You whine to your Apache Helicopter Pilot friend how come they never take you for a spin in their ride like the Black Hawk guys do. Then understand when you walk in and actually SEE an Apache helicopter why they offered (with a smirk) to strap you to the side. (For those non-military readers Apache helicopters are two seat contraptions with just enough room for a pilot and co-pilot and a stick to drive it)

6. (Ok technically this was executed by a SSG, but since it was inflicted by a lieutenant, I’ll allow it) You don’t lock your computer screen and your friendly neighborhood lieutenant has a little fun with the contents of your intelligence report not anticipating you would actually brief the following to the Battalion Commander and all his staff : “…grenade exploded (your addition) and furry little bunnies were released from captivity”

7. If you have ever wailed pitifully from the inside of a port o potty that was about to be driven away to some unknown grid location out in the training hills of Fort Hood with you still in it only to be saved in the nick of time by the driver who finally noticed the one beady eye and smashed nose you managed to squish out the two inch gap in the door to scream for help….

To be continued: