Presenting La Capitana

Ok so I got promoted right. Naturally I was foiled in my attempt to exclude various individuals in my chain of command so that put a little bit of a damper on my love-fest (awww no shirtless Pakistani exotic dancing sandwich men for me). I stood up and got pinned by Black Ninja. Of course my original list grew from the invitation only VIP of about 8 people to more like 20 and suddenly I found myself staring ahead into 40 beady little eyes waiting for me to dazzle them with my academy acceptance speech. It went sort of like this:

(Mandatory good-for-you applause…..)
Um…well thank you for coming….(40 beady eyed expectant stares)
Um…that’s it….(amused laughter, yet oddly still slightly expectant beady eyed stares continue)
No really…that’s it….(more laughter)
Um…ok uh….

Finally someone got the hint and started the standard good-for-you handshake line. I mean I guess I probably should have said something or thanked someone right? The polite brown-nosing butt kissing weasel thing to do would be to thank the Battalion Commander for the positive mentoring and the great privilege of going to rot and die in the S3 shop. However feeling a slightly less generous mood I mustered my most constipated smile while he went down a short canned list of my contributions to the Gap online and cosmopolitan magazine (ok so maybe not that accurate of a list, more along the lines of you know taking care of soldiers and dedication to duty or some crap like that) I should have filled out a card for him. I think one is well on the way to excellence with this list of achievements

1. Successfully completed 300 hours of online shopping and earned Expert badge in Consumerism for purchasing in excess of 300$ of completely useless and offensively cute items.
2. Earned recognition for successfully completing 4-day Solitaire Practice course uninterrupted by work.
3. Nailed just about every male in the unit and a few females too, (that’s right boys) or so I’m told.
4. Completed over 365 anti-bacterial “hover” missions over more than 30 different plastic port o potty seat surfaces throughout the area of operations.
5. Completed 52 command and staff meetings without stabbing myself or anyone else with my mechanical pencil
6. Managed to avoid Voodoo despite many deserving people testing my will to not poke poke poke….

Sometimes I am too cool for even me….