Spam-o-Gram

I have been getting a lot of spam lately, not just the standard farm animal porn and offers to enlarge my penis seem to plague me for some definite unknown reason (seeing as how I seem to have misplaced my penis), but those spams that make you want to grab a voodoo doll and poke away at whoever sent them. Generally I find these little love notes seem to fall into three categories. The first category is the do gooding I love the world/jesus/you crap. It’s not that I have anything in particular against do gooders or people loving peopler’s, but they seem to generate the most skull melting, eyeball gouging, enema level enjoyment crap out of everyone. Some boring story about how some guy passed a homeless person and didn’t help and later at the gates of heaven…I’m sure you see where I’m going with this. I would like nothing better than to head these off at the pass and delete them without ever reading them but like the catch all phrase “based on the needs of the military” that basically takes a big fat crap on the rest of what your promised in your military contract, these too have one of those trap doors always located in the subject line: Delete this and you have no heart; Timmy the one legged boy will die unless... Then once your stupid enough to open it just to shut your screaming catholic pain in the ass conscience up, it has that crap at the bottom about send this to 10 people you love and back to the asshole (oops, did I say that out loud?) that sent it to you so they know you care. It’s like a Chinese finger trap; the only way to get yourself out of it is to go further into the hole. On one hand you don’t want to be the heartless, legless boy hating hell bound non believing friend hater, but on the other hand you know that passing it on is only perpetuating the vicious cycle that has taken 10 minutes of your life that you’ll never get back and casting it onto some other poor soul foolish enough to trust you with their email address. So the second category is of course the pass this on to 5 zillion people or aliens will impregnate your dog, probe your orifices and you will die alone and violated. It’s like someone out there has the uncanny ability to hone in on just the thing that could most F up your life, and dangle it over your head. It will be that day you break up with your boyfriend and along comes the “send this to 10 people and your hearts greatest wish will come true”. Don’t send it along and your boyfriend will marry your best friend…and aliens will impregnate your dog. So in your vulnerable state email is the less sinful alternative to voo doo and you just happened to watch not so unbelievable X-files on what else-anal probing. The third and final type of crap cluttering my inbox even at this very moment are the “Get to know your friends better” emails where you cut and paste and answer a bunch of boring questions and read a bunch of boring questions and then pass along a bunch of boring questions. I mean what a great way to get to know your friends right? Get to know everything there is to know about someone without ever actually having to have a conversation with them. Black Ninja passed me the mother of all of these types of emails just a day ago and then sent me a follow up email asking if I had completed it yet. Yeah as soon as hell freezes over, Osama bin laden is caught and the war in Iraq is won, I will be only too happy to answer questions like the following:

-----------------HAVE YOU EVER------------------
[x] Flown on a plane: no I swam to the Middle East
[x] Cut your hair?: no I’m experimenting with kinky Amish role playing
---------------IN THE LAST 24 HRS------------------
[x] Cried: Yeah when I opened this email
[x] Met someone new online: yep it’s amazing what 3.95$ per minute will get you.
---------------DO YOU BELIEVE IN--------------
[x] Santa Claus: Sure, fat people need love too
-------------------YOU PREFER------------------
[x] Pepsi or coke: crack actually, lots of it.
[x] Single or group dates: Group dates? Is that what you kids are callin them these days?
------------IN THE PAST MONTH DID/HAVE YOU--------------
[x] Stolen anything: Stealing is such a harsh word, I prefer borrowing with the extended option to keep.