Attention Anyone Who Takes Themselves Seriously...

Ok so lately due to extreme boredom I have resumed a type of motivation that consists of whatever there is out there existing that could possibly annoy anyone who takes themselves seriously. My mom and best friend spunky are avid supporters of this, hence the purple feather boa and tiara, light up alien antenna headband, and the light up flip flops that glow electric blue with each strut you take. Even now I sit in my office with ridiculous alien light up head band flashing proudly as I type this drawing the sad nods of all the American red-blooded, ball scratching men around me. The day shift soldier started to walk out for the night so I flipped on the switch and smiled sweetly and said “Whatsa matter? Too manly to say goodnight when I have my pink ears on?”. His response was that it was impossible for him to take me seriously with those things on…hmmm I’d say that means my work here is done. When I worked the other life sucking, skull throbbing staff job I had, my pink ears were banned. I suspect I’m aloud to strut around in this new position due to my location being behind a coded cipher lock door that prevents anyone important from being offended. I’m like the dog you lock away when guests come over because it won’t quit farting. Back in the rear before we deployed I bought a whole bunch of lisa frank pink colorful folders. Nothing gave me greater pleasure than to stick a document that needed to be signed by someone of a distinguished rank into a folder with a pink cartoon girl sitting on a giant ice cream cone, and then imagining this person walking into the secret squirrel big whig office carrying this fruity ass folder. Of course I was unable to get the BN Commander (a LTC…go figure) to buy off on carrying this folder around, he freely admitted he was not secure enough in his manhood to withstand the pressure of the pink. I personally find it an excellent test of character. Nothin says stud like doing the strut of pride with pink folder in tow daring anyone to make your big pink day (insert ball scratch here). I also have ridiculous dogs as well. I have a lhasa ahpsa (which I can’t spell for some reason), and a shitzu. I want to breed them and make a sign that says a whole Lhasa Shitz for sale. It’s the little things that make me smile. So of course they are both cute and undeniably offensive to all that is macho. Even my significant other refuses to walk them during daylight hours and instead does furtive walking in the wee hours of the night. Here is a warning to all those thinking about joining the “Small and offensively cute dogs” club, there is a reason why they call them SHIT-zu’s. I couldn’t get this freaking dog to quit eating the steamy delicatessens of both her and my older dog. I mean she’d practically be butt to nose with Daisy (boo hoo Jessica Simpson I named my ridiculous dog first) catching them as they came out. Then of course she’d want to make out with you after. I think she’s so needy and clingy now because all throughout her puppy hood all she heard was “ewww chloe go away…” It’s the quiet ones you have to watch out for. So 3 days and unfortunately no alcohol later, I finally got over my cold. Am I the only one who finds it offensive to have the runs, hawk phlegm and still have to dodge mortars? Is it too much to ask that there be some sort of cease fire during flu season? I thought somewhere I read in the Koran; Fear not the toilet in the early hours of the night friends, for the time of the runs are upon us during which none shall harm fellow man. Of course I may have been a little liberal with my interpretation of Ramadan.