Wednesday, September 16, 2009

I am bungholio i need TP for my bunghole

k...again...said uh...girl...goes to do to favor for uh...said boy at small said autodealership...enter said latin mechanic employee

I can neither confirm nor deny there was a bathroom that said girl needed to use

I can neither confirm nor deny that bathroom was already in use

I can neither confirm nor deny said mechanic did not lock said door...said girl did not enter said bathroom...

OMFG really? I mean really? The lock was fully functional...are you kidding me?  What made it that much more special was him killing those little girl notions that boys stand up to pee...or perhaps it was #2 I'm not really sure which thought makes the raping of my eyeballs more bearable.  But it doesnt just end there...the humiliation gets passed around because the more the merrier right?...apparently in somewhat of a "tit" for seeing said mechanics "tat"....

I can neither confirm nor deny said germ-a-phobe girl always TP's the seats of public bathrooms before sitting down

I can neither confirm nor deny a mysteriously missing piece of toilet paper when said business is done...

Sadly I can neither confirm nor deny said missing toilet paper may have been trailing from said girls pants until said business owner points it out....

ah...and the era of no dignity...continues

Wednesday, September 09, 2009

To work out or not to work out..that is the question

So in the  past year or so I have stumbled upon another aspect of getting older that is just friggin unfair.  Exercising...Now I'm not gonna sit and whine about how fat I am blah blah blah ok?  Im in decent condition and when I'm not eventually I get up and do something about it vs whining hence why I go between little blondie and Shamu..So what I am finding really annoying is no matter how much I seem to exercise fairly little progress occurs and in some cases not at all what I was trying to accomplish so is it fair that when I exercise:

1) My boobs and ass get smaller...So we can thus conclude you can either be skinny with a flat behind and no chi chi's or be Shamu and keep your "Assets" so to speak.

2) My trainer tells me that I'm not losing weight because my body is used to the exercise that I have to vary it up basically trick myself because after about one week of running my Ass is apparently "on to me" and figures out how to retain its third world continental size despite my best efforts to the contrary.  Which kind of makes you wonder if I can trick my body into thinking it should be losing weight why can't I trick it into thinking that twinkie is really a lean cuisine, or that I really CAN fit a size 3 again? 

3) I can exercise for 2 weeks with no apparent results but eat one dinner at cheescake factory and gain 5 pounds overnight despite having absolutely nothing anyone one with a sense of smell or taste buds would want to eat the rest of the week.

So i was thinking...Hmmm lets see after about 10 years what the damage really is back there...so i set the timer on my camera and took a rear view picture (shut up like you havent!) What I discovered was that I should always face forward...my legs looked like two christmas hamhocks with a large rump roast sittin on top.  I mean seriously...I wanted to baste myself and wrap those puppies in some string.

Monday, September 07, 2009

Thats my story and I'm stickin to it

so i once knew this girl who had some pictures on her computer...some of them good... some of them of a uh...delicate nature....
so while on walmart.com said person decides to make a little greeting card cutesy and innocent
(anyone see where I'm going with this?)
said person gets click happy...said photo's get uploaded to walmart.com

said person is up till 1am frantically trying to get delicate pictures off the F-in walmart.com website.....

Bitch ass.....you just can't make this shit up

Gym Farting Etiquette

so to elaborate on my inflamed comments on facebook myspace and whoever the f else would listen...

DO NOT FART ON THE STAIRMASTER NEXT TO ME!!!!!

yes I'm talking to you ya old wrinkly, blonde, broccoli eating middle aged crackhead with your Jane fonda spandex and your husbands old t-shirt.  Since there were just the two of us oh...in a 20 foot radius I'm
PRE-TTY sure it wasnt MY ass that leaked the funk of 20 dead sewer rats...It takes a lot to offend me it really does and the first time I let it pass (no pun intended) and the second time I though well it saves me a waxing as the hairs on my body curled and fell off,  but the third time I vomited a little in my mouth and stomped out of my gym...

you owe me 65 calories, 5 minutes and some eye drops for my stinging and forever damaged and screaming senses...

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