Fiery Crop Circle Citings

Alright so I haven’t written in what, like a zillion years right? I’d like to say I have some sort of valid reason for this but the fact is it just comes and goes for me. I can’t say that that my unit has had a lack of stupidity for me to write about and my fellow man has certainly not disappointed me in that area either for example; hmmm well I was driving home the other day and turning into my neighborhood when I saw one of your friendly neighborhood crop circles behind one of the houses. What made this one particularly interesting was well…it was on fire. I found it slightly disturbing but not wanting to jump to conclusions I looked for the 300-pound man, crack showing that might have been trailer enough to burn his trash in a residential area. With no individual present and this fire burning about 1 foot from a fence I decided to take action, not actually put it out mind you, (too much effort) just let the occupants of the house know that sometime in the immediate future the avoid burning to death they might want to uh like evacuate and shit. The thought entered my mind about calling 911 but since it was only about 8 feet across I felt a little weird about placing the 8-foot burning crop circle call. So I hurried up to the house and rung the doorbell and paced like a crack fiend. Finally after a good minute the door opened and a rather large individual opened the door and within a minute another large gentleman also appeared. This is about how the conversation went:

Me: Um…. I may be an asshole but do you know there’s a fire behind your fence?
Future Crispy Critter: (Blank Stare)
Me: Yeah I mean uh it’s not at your fence but um…(insert some hand gestures here) it’s really really close to your fence
FCC: (Blink Blink, Stare)
Me: So yeah it’s just like right…right behind…you know…your uh fence…
FCC: Oh
Me: Ok so uh I guess you know I thought maybe you’d want to know so…um ok. Uh bye….

Meanwhile a mini van comes flying in doing 75 and a man jumps out tearing for the door of this house. I was like…
Me: You here about the fire?
Balded Crusader: Why yes
Me: Yeah I guess they know or don’t care or something
BC: Oh…ok

So he walks dejectedly back to his mini van. Poor guy probably was feeling pretty heroic. At least I saved him from the disappointment of realizing he was trying to save two fat men with a death wish. I drove away trying to figure out exactly how I failed to convey the gravity of the situation to these guys. Even if I were buck ass naked, painting my toenails making French Toast with the Michael Jackson Trial on, I would have thrown on a robe (maybe) and run out to assess the situation. I went to a comedy show the other day and one of the comedian’s jokes was about how people would do anything for that extra 5 minutes of sleep. He joked about how someone’s house could be on fire and they might think to themselves that it was only in the kitchen they had a good five minutes more to sleep before it got to their bedroom. I know now those people exist. I’m not entirely sure it would be that bad to let natural selection prevail here. Only the strongest survive. If you die in a x-file burning crop circle freak accident that you were forewarned about perhaps that is how inbreeding corrects itself for the betterment of man-kind.