The Laundry Workers

Ok (I know I use it all the time but it’s better than once upon a time) so the Laundry right? Sometimes it doesn’t seem so bad to be over here I mean yeah I have to trek 200 feet to the bathroom in the middle of the night to pee but hey I don’t have to clean the bathroom. They have these little women who come in and clean it for us and we actually have people in the DFAC who cook our food as well. I started to wonder how I would do once I got back to civilization and had to actually use a stove and clean my own toilet bowl. I mean granted the food does give you monthly bouts of explosive diarrhea but the bright side is you don’t have to cook it or clean the bathroom up after it, what luxury! So another service they offer over here is Laundry. I wouldn’t exactly call it offer since there are no washing machines that pretty much is your only option. So you drop your laundry off and 3-4 days later the Laundry God willing, you come and pick it up. I guess there is a problem with dirty laundry theft. Now for anyone who has ever gone through the initial soldier training the military gives this is not an unfamiliar concept. It seems there are those people who will steal anything. Sweaty bra’s, stinky socks and yes…you guessed it, crusty underwear. For those of you out there saying, “my underwear is never crusty” I raise the bullshit flag and say: you can’t hide those LYIN’ eyes! So since apparently the threat level of underwear theft, much like our country’s terror threat, is high they have implemented an inventory system. So to ensure that no one STEALS your sweat soaked dirty crusty underwear you must do a mutual inventory with the laundry workers. (Insert constipated look here). Ok lets not be shy about this, there’s a reason underwear is UNDER your clothes. No one wants to see what colorful additions to your underwear your butt cheeks painted the last time you ate the DFAC jalapeno cheese gut grenade and didn’t quite make it to the port o potty…well no one except the Laundry workers. They on the contrary want to see and inventory every article in your laundry bag. You have to dump it all out and put it back in as their beady little eyes watch your every move. There are several strategies I have developed to accomplish this task. First always include a towel among the 20 articles you’re allotted per bag. You can use the towel to hide each shameful item until the last possible moment where you whip it out, rattle off the number and slam dunk it into the bag. If you have a particularly embarrassing article every once in a while you can get away with the “Stare and Stuff”. This requires a little bit of theatrical talent. You notice something in the distance, perhaps out the window that piques your interest. You stop in mid count and stare in fascination. Since all people are nosy by nature this will usually prompt the Laundry Nazi to follow your gaze to see what is so interesting. You seize this moment to whip the article out scream out your number and have it stuffed in before they can say jackrabbit. You will probably receive a suspicious beady-eyed glare for your pains but it’s the price to pay for privacy. I think actually the workers are a little lonely and maybe have Alzheimer’s. I apparently have the same last name as their boss so when I come in they all chirp my last name hello and take the opportunity for the 300th time to remind me that their boss is also named such and such. They also call out the last four of my social security number (which is used to ID the laundry bags) proudly by memory. I don’t know whether to find this flattering or frightening. Too bad it’s only in prison that having the favor of the laundry nazi comes in handy.